My suicide note

To my oldest friend:

How have you been lately? I hope all is well. I’ve heard that you’ve been moving around and making many new acquaintances. I hope you’re not too offended when I say this but I hope you don’t make them feel as miserable as you have made me for the past 20 years. For the longest time I really felt something for you, though, I question today exactly what it was I felt. Anyway, the reason I’m writing you this letter is to tell you first, because of our extensive relationship, that I have decided to commit suicide. I guess you may be wondering exactly why this is? Well, maybe you don’t even care. I can’t really tell most of the time. Here it goes….You make me feel unbelievably horrible. I’ve trusted you with so many parts of my life, only to be let down and put to shame. I really don’t understand. After all we’ve been through. I’ve given you everything and receive nothing in return. There were so many times that I poured my heart out to you and you never even responded. The term “cold shoulder” is way too kind of a phrase for what you did to me in the most important moments of my life. I could ask you why you did this but it soon won’t matter. It’s strange. Being around you has always made me curious about what the next life would be like. I’ve also heard many different opinions from friends throughout the years. To be honest, I’m just ready to go now. I’m sorry. Goodbye.


To Whom It May Concern:

Hey there! I hope all is well. I’m doing just fine. I’ve heard from several of my old friends that you are a bit confused. My new friends tell me that this happens to you quite often. Making people feel as if you actually care for them is something that takes a lot of time and effort. So, purposely trying to ruin them after all those years must take double that effort. Well, maybe not with you. I don’t know why I didn’t commit suicide years ago! Oh. I’m sorry. Maybe I should explain myself a bit. When I said I was committing suicide, I didn’t mean what you refer to as suicide. I figured that you would know something was up when I didn’t show up at your front door afterwards. I was actually referring to dying to myself. I was messed up, but come on; I wasn’t so messed up as to not be able to hear him just a little bit. By now you are probably starting to figure out what I am talking about and you are getting very frustrated. I knew that I was extremely ignorant in that life, but you know the entire story and its outcome and yet you still believe you can change it! I do feel very sorry for those who still believe all the lies that you are feeding them. Convincing people that they can have all the desires of their hearts if they follow you is definitely a good tactic. I fell for it. I want you to know that I will be making every effort to come and get some of my friends. If you think I’m coming alone you are sorely mistaken. I am well aware that I can’t defeat you. I have help! Man I swear I get chills each time I say that! I think I’ll say it again. I have help! Now you must know what I am talking about. If you haven’t I will just have to tell you. I know that the most confusing part of my so called “suicide” were the drops of blood on my first letter. Well, Jesus was with me while I was writing that letter and that was His blood. He put it there to remind you that He shed it for me to cover all of my sins. Please don’t forget that this is a war He has already won. So many of the people you think will continue to follow you are starting to hear his voice. He calls out to them in their darkest hour. He reminds them that they are loved by an Almighty God. I am love by an Almighty God! The death that you tried to make in me was made alive in Christ. I’m sorry satan. Goodbye.

Sincerely,
A. Sinner Redeemed

Jesus Loves Espresso

I know it may seem like a strange title to some, but really think about it…..Jesus loves it when you get going. He loves it when you get that morning rush and you’re ready to seize the day. So what gets you going? When you wake up in the morning, do you think about that warm cup of coffee first? Or do you think about Jesus first? Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE COFFEE! If you know me well enough, then you will know why. But Jesus should be my first morning rush. Mark 1:35 says “Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.” Jesus himself, got up and went directly to pray to the Father. That is what got him going, Worshipping GOD!

When I try to think of how many mornings in my life that I have woken up and immediately given thanks to God, to be honest, there haven’t been as many times as I would have liked there to be . I would think things like, ‘Oh man. What is going to be waiting around the corner for me today?’ ‘What random bill is going to show up in my mailbox?’ or…. ‘Which kid is going to pick on the other until they get to go to their favorite corner for a while?’ There are so many other things that seem to be running through my head that early. Imagine if I just were to wake up and say “Thank you Jesus for this day!” Man! That would immediately brighten up my thought life and motivate me to start the day off right. He just gets me pumped!

“So, Jon,” “What are you so giddy and happy about today?” “Well, I woke up and realized that I am not worthy enough to be standing here talking to you. I also realized, though, that God loves me so much!”

See how that works. It starts with God and He gets you through the rest of the day. Joy and happiness follow when you keep God on your mind. There is no better way of doing that, than making Him your morning, noon, and evening lift me up. Try to find something that can raise your spirit and mind as much as He can. It won’t happen. He is our daily supply and our breathe of life. The morning call to worship the Lord is just as important as closing our day with Him. Prayer at the end of a hard day always relieves so much tension. I can go to sleep knowing that I have laid everything down at His feet and that He will give me what I need to get me through the next day.

Jesus loves what gets you going. He just wants you to realize each day, that He should be your motivation for everything. He should be what motivates you to get up and pray. After that He wants you to tell your family you love them. He wants you to go to work with Him on your mind and testify to your co-workers how amazing He is. He wants you to go out on the streets and tell those you don’t even know, about His everlasting grace and mercy. Jesus should be what we completely wrap our lives around and rely on. There is nothing in the world that can get me going more than my Savior and My God. JESUS IS MY ESPRESSO.

I want to see God

You have finally done it. You’ve lost everything. There is no place else to turn. Your deepest moment of depression has come. Your final offer is on the table.

“God, I cannot do this anymore. I’ve cried out to you so many times. I hurt so much that I cannot stand to live. If you don’t show yourself to me, right now, I will not believe”.

There are millions of people in the world today who have cried this statement out loud. It comes when we feel we are worth nothing. We have no where else to reach, no one to hold on to. Our last response is to present God with our terms.

Maybe you have lost family. Maybe it’s drugs and alcohol. It could be a past sexual episode that keeps being brought into your thoughts. It could be so many different problems that have brought you to this point and seeing God, in all his glory, is the only thing that will bring you out of this.

I don’t want you to get scared when I say this, but no one can see God.

This is not just something that I feel within me. It is something I know based on the word of God. There is a book in the bible called Exodus. In Exodus, Moses is speaking with God, and at one point he says to the Lord: “Now show me your glory.” God responds by saying, “You cannot see my face, for no one may see my face and live.” Then the lord said, “There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen.”

It is so important that you understand the meaning of what God was saying in this. First of all he says; “…. a place near me on a rock.” If you stay near God, you are standing on solid ground. It is a place that will not be shaken. Secondly he says; “I will cover you…..” God will watch over us as his plans for our lives are happening. Finally he says, “…..and you will see my back.” After God has done what he has planned we can finally look and see that he was there all along.

To me this scripture is so incredible and gives me more and more hope. While all these terrible things in my life were happening, I had no clue God was there, but I knew there had to be something more to life. Now I look back and see how his hand was over everything I had ever gone through and I can see his glory passing by. I couldn’t see where he started his work in my life, but knew afterward, every place in my life he had been.

Another point I want to make is also based in scripture. It gives us another ideal of how marvelous his glory is. It is found in Isaiah 6:2. It says, “Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: with two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another: “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory.”

Above us each and every moment for all eternity these heavenly creatures will call out with their faces covered; “Holy, holy, holy.” Even these seraphs, in the very presence of God, cannot look at him directly because of how holy he is. It’s just the whole point of knowing that he is there for them. Being in his presence is more than enough to make them exclaim, “Holy, holy, holy”, for all eternity.

There are only a couple more things I would like to say to you and these are things based upon the events of my own life.

So many times, I can remember asking God, “Why are you letting these things happen to me?” “Why aren’t you helping me?” “Why won’t you talk to me?” I always felt as if God was putting me through so much hardship, little knowing that all of these things were actually developing who I would become and how I would witness to his love.

God does not put us in our problems. We are human and flesh. We make the choices on our own. God brings us through our problems. It reminds me of making choices as a child. My parents would ask, “Are you sure you want to do that?” “Oh yeah I’m sure mom!” Then we jump off the garage roof and break our leg. It hurts, for a while, but who was there to pick you up? Who held you close and said it would be ok? It was your mother or father.
God says that when we come to him, we come as children. Do you really think that after suffering a hardship, that God just does nothing?

The fall always hurts, but we took the steps to get there. A wonderful, loving, caring and marvelous God is pleading, “Please don’t go there.” “Please trust me when I say that this is the wrong choice.” “Draw near to me and I will draw near to you.” As we jump off the roof, we don’t look around to see if our father is there, but we can feel him. We know that he will hear our cries and lift us up.

No, we can’t see God. We can clearly see his love.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave His only begotten Son, whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” –John 3:16

God has shown himself through Jesus Christ. If you believe there is nowhere else to turn, turn to him. He has never met you, but yet died for all the wrongs you have done. He did it so that our guilt would be gone, so that we shall be white as snow. Jesus is the solid ground next to God that cannot be shaken.


I tell you, now is the time of God’s favor, now is the day of salvation. --2 Corinthians 6:2

I Know

I just want to say, I know. I know that you hurt. I know that you long for a love that will never fail. I know that there have been many times you’ve felt that no one was there for you. I know that you have lost loved ones. I know that you have been hurt in relationships. I know that at times you have just wanted to give your life up for good. I know that you are searching for something, but you don’t have a clue what it is. I know that you feel a deep void in your life, longing to be filled. I want you to know that I believe you were once filled with joy. I want you to know that at one point in your life, you knew what love felt like. I want you to know that I know what it is like to love someone, but be completely ignored. I want you to know that I have also lost loved ones. I want you to know that my heart has been grieved in relationships. I want you to know that I have given up a life, for good. I want you to know that what you’re searching for can be found and that the clues are everywhere. I want you to know that I have felt that void in my life many times. I want you to know that you can be filled with overwhelming joy again. I want you to know that I LOVE YOU. You have never been forgotten. I will comfort you whenever you feel that the world has let you down. I will ALWAYS be here for you. I have tried to get people to notice me for years and just because they didn’t notice me it does not mean I have forgotten them. Every person I have ever met is still in my heart. I long for them all to be happy. I yearn for each one to be apart of this beautiful and amazing life. I have been waiting here for a very long time just for a chance to hold and comfort your broken heart, your searching soul, your desperate spirit. Just hear my words. I LOVE YOU. I will NEVER leave you or forsake you. You will never leave my sight, EVER. When you lost loved ones remember that I wept. I have been ever present throughout your struggles. I have been calling out to you. The life I gave up was that of my own son. Imagine having a beautiful child, raising this child, seeing this child through the ups and downs. Then imagine watching that child nailed to a cross in front of your eyes. I did this for you. Can you imagine what my heart felt like at that moment? So much pain, and yet so much joy at the same time. It was the biggest burden you could possibly imagine being lifted. When you look up to the cross and realize what I’ve done for you, just think, the only thing you have to do is say; “ I’m here”, “ I’m sorry”, “I’m ready to be held”. Just know that at that very moment I will be there. All of the burdens will be lifted and you will realize once and for all that you have always been loved. I am here for you……..forever.

How

I often look back at my life and when I look at some of those times, I wonder, how did I get there?
When I think about the first trouble points in my life, I remember saying to myself, “Why am I doing this?”, “I know this is wrong”. As time progressed I found myself saying, “Why is God doing this to me”?
I realize now that I was gradually taking the blame away from myself.
Who happily blames themselves for their own mistakes? Why not blame it all on God? Didn’t he create me this way to begin with?
The problem with “the blame” is that our perception that we are going downhill starts to be taken away until ignorance rears its ugly head. We start to become blinded by our own evil intentions. We start to believe the lie that we are good enough. There is one major problem with this belief: NO ONE IS GOOD ENOUGH! The Christian, not good enough, the business man, not good enough, the Samaritan, not good enough, The Pope, not good enough. It’s just not possible.
What about that person you lied to in order to get what you wanted? What about the man or woman you slept with outside of marriage? How about Murder, Envy, Idolatry? Let me tell you, if you have done one of these things you have done them all.

Now you come to the big question, “How did I get here”? This might be a surprise to some, but it was what you surrounded yourself with. The wrong friends, influences, emotions, thoughts and teachers are what put you there. You were told to think better, to read the self help book, to bury your feelings deep inside and forget them. You were told that you should just try harder. Did that help? Were the people teaching you these things doing well enough in their own lives to tell you how to live yours?

I don’t know why we run away. I don’t why we want to die sometimes. I don’t know why people don’t understand us. I think we know deep inside, though, that there is something that says we are better. There is something that says we mean more. There is something that says we were never made to end up in that spot. There is something that says we were made to have a happy life. We just want to deny that calling inside of us. We don’t want to admit that there is a GOD. THIS IS WHAT IT ALL COMES DOWN TOO.
Most of us know at least a few of the Ten Commandments: Don’t worship other gods, don’t kill, commit adultery, and so on. Somebody, at some point in our lives, has or will tell us something about these rules. After all the disappointment in our lives, these rules are the reason we chose not to believe in God or to not want to change our lives. If we chose to follow, then we have to admit how messed up we have always been. We have to confess how much wrong we have done. WE FEEL CONDEMNED. If we live our lives the way we always have then we won’t ever have to worry about admitting we were wrong. Not true! Everyone who has lived or ever will live has to stand before God for what they have done.

There is hope. There is a way. There is no longer any condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Why didn’t we see the biggest change in the lives of the people around us who accepted Jesus? It was so obvious. Yeah, they still make mistakes. That is only because they are human. The difference is the look on their faces. The difference is the drastic changes in their lives. They no longer feel condemned. They have accepted the grace, mercy, and love of God. How many true Christians do you see wanting to die? If they were true Christians, then not many. True Christians realize that they have already faced the only death they will ever have to because of Jesus. The bible says that those who are born of flesh will die to the flesh, but those who are alive in Christ will have eternal life.

How did I get there? It was by my own ignorance to what the people around me, who loved me, were saying. They told me that God was real. They said he loved me more than anything created. They said I could have a happy life. I just didn’t believe. I couldn’t. I believed what the rest of the world was saying to me. That drugs, sex, alcohol, money and fame were happiness. They were WRONG. None of those things ever kept me happy. I just always wanted more. But the hole was deep and eternal. Something eternally empty can only be filled with something eternally full. The only thing that can possibly be eternally full is love. And God expressed His love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
However you got there, IT DOESN’T MATTER. However long you’ve been there, IT DOESN’T MATTER. You can be free. You can experience the life you were meant to have. Remember that no matter where you are God loves you. He is whispering to your heart and soul, “Believe me when I tell you, I love you SO MUCH. I am standing right beside you. I’ve carried you through the times you thought you couldn’t go any further. I did not create you to hurt. I created you so that I could love you. Believe. Please believe that I am here and that when you call out to me, I hear you. I hear the yearnings from deepest part of your heart. I hear the cries that words could never express. I will give you hope that can only be found in me. I will give you strength that nothing can conquer. Trust in me, with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and I will direct your paths. I AM………..all you have ever hoped for.”

God Breathed

“I’m only human”.

What a quote!

Is that what you believe? Is that your excuse?

If it is, you need to find a new one. You are not “only human." God created you in His image. -- Genesis 1:27


Did you know that out of all things He created, that we are the only form of life God breathed into? Genesis 2:7 says, -- the Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.


Is God flesh?

No. He came in flesh as Jesus Christ to pay the price of our sin on the cross, but God is a spiritual being. As Christ, he could accomplish anything because He was God.

God is Spirit. God is the Spirit.

So, you’re only human? If that is your mentality, then why do you think your life is miserable? Look at the world around you. How many people die every day? A better question is how many people around you are living? Not in the sense of walking around talking and breathing, but achieving their life goals, changing the world and making a difference.

I don’t think those goals were achieved by a willing of the flesh. Those accomplishments had a strong belief and power behind them. Those dreams were done in Spirit and in Truth.

As humans, we can do nothing. “I am the vine; you are the branches. If man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. – John 15:5
The flesh was not made to endure or even to survive. Flesh will return to the earth. Spirit will live on. Just as Jesus said, if you remain in him, you can do many things. The reason you can do that is because; the Spirit that was in Christ is also in you.

Now, let me make something clear. When I was speaking about those people who achieve their goals, I did not mean how much money they made or how many possessions they obtained. Those things are not achievements. Those things are possessions. Those things will pass away, right along with the flesh.

Your question would be, “Well, what if I’m not saved?”

Then you are living in the flesh and you would be right. You are only human. The only thing wrong with that is the fact that it is just a bigger excuse for things. The reason being, if you were a Christian you would have more responsibilities because Christ commissioned us to go into the world and preach His Kingdom. As a Christian you cannot say, “I’m only human and I cannot accomplish these things” because; YOU ARE NOT ONLY HUMAN!

For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.—Ephesians 2:10

God loves. God breathed. God sacrificed. God works through us.

Do you see how that works? God loved us before we were. God breathed His life and Spirit into us. God gave His only begotten Son. God commissioned us to tell the world all of these things.

I don’t hear God complaining.

I hear God saying, “I created you in My image. I have given you power and authority. Now do something about it!”

Is God yelling at us? No. He is challenging us to do something amazing and miraculous.

Jesus himself said, “I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do even what I have been doing. He will do even greater than these, because I am going to the father.”—John 14:12

Just think about the things Jesus did. He made the blind see. He made the lame walk. He cast demons out of people. The words alone He spoke had the power to heal. The fact that He walked on water is more than enough for me because it proved, that with the power of God, all logic and reason can be pushed right out of the way. It’s like Jesus was saying, “Look! Can’t you see the power My Father has given me? I’m walking on water!” Jesus is doing exactly what we should be doing and that is to do exactly what God said we could do.

We should take that step out of the boat and walk toward the Savior who calls us to be faithful and true to him.

Since God breathed life into us and since we are created in His image, does that mean that we breathe life?

Yes. In someway we do. The very way we handle our lives everyday is a way of breathing life into people who do not know God. Earlier I said that Jesus speaking was enough to heal people. That is because there is power in the tongue. Proverbs 18:21 says, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

Think about the fact that the universe was formed at God’s command. Think about the fact that He breathed life into us. Now, since He breathed life into us and since we are created in His image, shouldn’t that mean that our words have the power to create?

They do! Life and death, just as the proverb says. Our words have the power to create new life in others.

We give our life stories and testimonies because the spirit breathed into us provides a hope and courage for those who see it in us.

So remember, if you are a witness of God’s love, then you are also a vision of the breath of life and you are not only human.

You are God Breathed.

Alone in the Dark

I remember sitting in my room every night for a week straight, listening to the series called Wilderness Mentalities. It was a seven tape sermon from Joyce Meyer. Each day I would take notes about what she said. A lot of the information had been touching places in my heart that I had never felt listening to another preacher. She would say things like, “So you’re still doing the same old things? How’s that working out for you?” Of course I sensed the humor of it all, but I sensed more of the truth it was speaking on my life. I was miserable, all of the time! I didn’t act that way around the people I associated with. I think I wanted people to know how bad I felt, I just couldn’t say anything because of the fear of letting it all out. Most of my friends would’ve called me crazy and said that I was just having a bad day. It wasn’t just one bad day, it was everyday, struggling and wondering why I can’t kill myself when I try. There were deep rooted issues that needed to be taken care of. How? How can I not feel like I’m worthless? How can I quit doing drugs, when they take away so much pain? How can I keep pretending that things are ok?
I had lots of “friends”. Whenever I needed a fix, just call the boys. In ten, maybe fifteen minutes, everything would be all good. I could just smoke myself stupid and laugh or I could drown myself in alcohol. All of it “worked”. It was just that none of it healed. I would always feel the same after the buzz wore off or after I woke up with a hangover.
The times that spoke to my soul the most, were the times I was alone in the dark.
I could be sitting in a room with a knife to my wrist or a bible in my hand trying to understand one or the other and I did it all alone. There is something special and sometimes uneasy in that place. There are forces working on personal levels when we are alone. Good, bad, it doesn’t matter, when you are alone something is speaking to your deepest parts. I like to call it the “Secret Place.” I can share anything with these forces. Sometimes I could hear opinions, but they were mostly bad whispers; “Go ahead and put that knife in your wrist”, or “You don’t need that bible in your hand, it’s just worthless scribble”. I would say, “No! I can’t do this, ‘I don’t understand why this is happening to me?’ I hate my life.” There were always so many emotions flowing through me in those times. It was desperation speaking. I could feel my time getting short, like death was leaning over me with its knife, just waiting for the right moment.
At times I think that those moments of desperate quietness were only a preparation room that I would feel comfortable going to until I was in that special moment where something unbelievable would take place. That special instance when all the answers showed up and I knew that it would be an unforgettable experience, because all of the bad moments were ones I will never forget.
“Alright, today is the day! I’m going to change my life around. I’m going to make everything right!” I bet that sounds familiar to a lot of you. We think we can accomplish everything by ourselves, but always seem to forget that we have tried that path before, it leads nowhere. It only leads to death and destruction and to more self-loathing and pity. It’s just so sad that we keep going back there. Why? We’ve been there a billion times! Do we not see that sign that reads: DEAD END. How blind have we become to the reality that self-seeking and self-help don’t work?!
Go to that secret place. Get alone in the dark and ask, “What am I here for? How do I get out of this mess? What am I missing?” I don’t just want you to ask questions though, I want you to listen. Don’t harden your heart. Just listen. I know you will hear it because my heart was the hardest in the world, but I heard that voice. It said, “I know there are thousands of people out there who are hurting and right now just a few are listening. This was for a purpose. The ones who are listening should know, the time has come, and that special moment is now! You’ve been taking that same path for too long. You were always worried about the destination but I tell you that it is about the journey. You will continue to walk down a dead end path until it consumes you. Choose the narrow path that I have placed before you. It may be narrow, but it leads to life. There will be obstacles, but I promise you the prize awaiting you is more than enough to cover the tears you have been shedding your entire life and more than enough to fulfill the longings of your soul. Seek me out and I will be revealed to you. Don’t go along that broad path that keeps its traps at every corner waiting to ensnare you. Every trap will bring harm to your life. I will bring you joy and an enduring love that never fails. Now is your moment.”
The emptiness and pain is not meant for you. The former path is so tempting. So many of our friends are down there, what will they think if you find a new one? I think the better question would be: Is it worth your life? Is it worth losing absolutely everything, including your soul? You know the answer.
Get alone in the dark. Surround yourself with God. Ask him everything that is on your heart. Speak your lifelong problems to him and then lay everything down at his feet. He will not let you down. Be patient. Don’t give up. Don’t let all of those traps start grabbing hold of you. The only way to get them off of your life is to call on Jesus. Tell him that you can’t do it alone. Tears flow from His eyes when you cry out. He only wants you to believe what He did for you. He only wants you to find that special place and then to seek Him along the narrow path.
I pray your life will be held in the embrace of Almighty God.