Alone in the Dark

I remember sitting in my room every night for a week straight, listening to the series called Wilderness Mentalities. It was a seven tape sermon from Joyce Meyer. Each day I would take notes about what she said. A lot of the information had been touching places in my heart that I had never felt listening to another preacher. She would say things like, “So you’re still doing the same old things? How’s that working out for you?” Of course I sensed the humor of it all, but I sensed more of the truth it was speaking on my life. I was miserable, all of the time! I didn’t act that way around the people I associated with. I think I wanted people to know how bad I felt, I just couldn’t say anything because of the fear of letting it all out. Most of my friends would’ve called me crazy and said that I was just having a bad day. It wasn’t just one bad day, it was everyday, struggling and wondering why I can’t kill myself when I try. There were deep rooted issues that needed to be taken care of. How? How can I not feel like I’m worthless? How can I quit doing drugs, when they take away so much pain? How can I keep pretending that things are ok?
I had lots of “friends”. Whenever I needed a fix, just call the boys. In ten, maybe fifteen minutes, everything would be all good. I could just smoke myself stupid and laugh or I could drown myself in alcohol. All of it “worked”. It was just that none of it healed. I would always feel the same after the buzz wore off or after I woke up with a hangover.
The times that spoke to my soul the most, were the times I was alone in the dark.
I could be sitting in a room with a knife to my wrist or a bible in my hand trying to understand one or the other and I did it all alone. There is something special and sometimes uneasy in that place. There are forces working on personal levels when we are alone. Good, bad, it doesn’t matter, when you are alone something is speaking to your deepest parts. I like to call it the “Secret Place.” I can share anything with these forces. Sometimes I could hear opinions, but they were mostly bad whispers; “Go ahead and put that knife in your wrist”, or “You don’t need that bible in your hand, it’s just worthless scribble”. I would say, “No! I can’t do this, ‘I don’t understand why this is happening to me?’ I hate my life.” There were always so many emotions flowing through me in those times. It was desperation speaking. I could feel my time getting short, like death was leaning over me with its knife, just waiting for the right moment.
At times I think that those moments of desperate quietness were only a preparation room that I would feel comfortable going to until I was in that special moment where something unbelievable would take place. That special instance when all the answers showed up and I knew that it would be an unforgettable experience, because all of the bad moments were ones I will never forget.
“Alright, today is the day! I’m going to change my life around. I’m going to make everything right!” I bet that sounds familiar to a lot of you. We think we can accomplish everything by ourselves, but always seem to forget that we have tried that path before, it leads nowhere. It only leads to death and destruction and to more self-loathing and pity. It’s just so sad that we keep going back there. Why? We’ve been there a billion times! Do we not see that sign that reads: DEAD END. How blind have we become to the reality that self-seeking and self-help don’t work?!
Go to that secret place. Get alone in the dark and ask, “What am I here for? How do I get out of this mess? What am I missing?” I don’t just want you to ask questions though, I want you to listen. Don’t harden your heart. Just listen. I know you will hear it because my heart was the hardest in the world, but I heard that voice. It said, “I know there are thousands of people out there who are hurting and right now just a few are listening. This was for a purpose. The ones who are listening should know, the time has come, and that special moment is now! You’ve been taking that same path for too long. You were always worried about the destination but I tell you that it is about the journey. You will continue to walk down a dead end path until it consumes you. Choose the narrow path that I have placed before you. It may be narrow, but it leads to life. There will be obstacles, but I promise you the prize awaiting you is more than enough to cover the tears you have been shedding your entire life and more than enough to fulfill the longings of your soul. Seek me out and I will be revealed to you. Don’t go along that broad path that keeps its traps at every corner waiting to ensnare you. Every trap will bring harm to your life. I will bring you joy and an enduring love that never fails. Now is your moment.”
The emptiness and pain is not meant for you. The former path is so tempting. So many of our friends are down there, what will they think if you find a new one? I think the better question would be: Is it worth your life? Is it worth losing absolutely everything, including your soul? You know the answer.
Get alone in the dark. Surround yourself with God. Ask him everything that is on your heart. Speak your lifelong problems to him and then lay everything down at his feet. He will not let you down. Be patient. Don’t give up. Don’t let all of those traps start grabbing hold of you. The only way to get them off of your life is to call on Jesus. Tell him that you can’t do it alone. Tears flow from His eyes when you cry out. He only wants you to believe what He did for you. He only wants you to find that special place and then to seek Him along the narrow path.
I pray your life will be held in the embrace of Almighty God.